INCUBATOR TALK

 

We held the newborns in winter
us boys instrumentalized
with the heat
of our unchanneled metabolisms
wafting from brown skins like
frustrated dreams taking leave
to torment some other innocence
ours too young yet to be dangerous
they sat us in circles
to catch the warmth
and in the forcefields of our
trammeled  futures
we kept the village babies alive. 

by now
My battered body is worth less
than the GE incubators
Finally brought in as was promised
In a developmentalist litany ages repeated
By the unsmiling functionaries
Of the state, after
They, at last, ran out of ways
to waste money on their houses. 

Idols of modernity
mechanical and efficient
that didn’t dissipate heat as despair--
whose warmth sustained
without whispering into
protean little ears
that it’s frozen beyond the circle
that you’d be better off dead
like us?
Before you are rendered obsolete
By the next generation of
Metals mined from the denuded fields
that feed nothing anymore
but the appetites of our visionary rulers.

*****

that was then. these days--
I walk fast at night
like a solitary woman scouring the mental maps
calculating distances to the least dangerous bus stop
I am always fleeing those
demons of the mind and metros
who
emergent
approach with their neon scepters
demanding the nine-digit number
that proves I deserve to exist, same
as the angels of the grave who
challenge newly dead to prove their steadfastness
on the pain of suffocation/
a deportation to purgatory 

Did you escape certain death or an unbearable life?
there is a weight
a value hidden in the difference
that dictates between the parceling out
of mercy packages or baton-beaten concussions
now I know.
To normalize anew this--
still, a bearable life.

------
TEXT: NOOREEN REZA

 

MEMORIES OF FADING

3:15PM
I walk with my hands around my body,
my lungs giving up, my heart is sinking too.
I walk with my hands clutching a book,
a ghost running around;
scaring off the lovely thoughts
in my head.

3:00AM
I lay on my floor, hands covering my face-
ripping apart my body,
ripping apart my skin,
ripping apart my soul.
I trace lines-
on my carpet,
on my hands,
on my wrists.

6:30AM
I pretend I am asleep,
my mother's lips speak-
words I can not comprehend;
I murmur words I do not understand.

8:07AM
The ghost invisible under my skin;
filling me with nightmares,
hair tied back, face painted,
a smile on my lips; not reaching my eyes,
I walk-
with my hands around my body.

------
TEXT: MOUZA SAEED

EVOCATION

after arriving on the shores of Greece (alhamdullilah), Ayham
counts days in scraps of pain,
thinks his dream of becoming
a break dancer will come true in Denmark

he says Denmark as if it is holy white ceilings
and shades of blue, whispers it over a 2 hour whatsapp call
begging pray for me, pray for me before
his wi-fi connection cuts off. In class,

I write essays on inaugural violence and nativism,
talk about universal ideals of human rights and liberty as if they were somehow
not coded European white and I don’t tell Ayham
we read articles about Danish legislators that fight for tighter borders
that would rather return him to a house with shrapnel for ceilings,

to the Mediterranean Sea,
to death itself

just so they would no longer have to be involved. Ayham doesn’t see
a difference between moral politicians and political morals
thinks of the streets of Copenhagen, of the girl he loves, of mama’s hands
the last time she walks him under the Quran before sobbing
ma’elsalama habibi
the news both full and empty, they say

not every eruption of violence is worth our remembrance.

------
TEXT: JOUMANA ALTALLAL

THE MAN WHO COULD SEE EVERYTHING

Some people say I’ve gone over the bend. Gone nuts, out of my mind, lost it, went bananas, rented the upper flat, flew off the handle, blew my top, dove in the deep end, popped my cork, went apeshit crazy crazy crazy crazy madinsanecrazylookinhiseyesthey’vegone darklikethedevilheisthedevilleavehimalonestayawaykidshouldbelockedupthrownawaykilled.

But they don’t know anything. They don’t know they don’t know they don’t know theydon’tknowthey do n’t k no w- Know. I’m not. I’m not any of those things. I’m not any of those things I’m more. I didn’t just dive into the deep end, I drank the whole ocean swam in it breathed lived threw it up again because the seabeds were looking so empty so sad and that wouldn’t do oh no it wouldn’t. Know. No. Now.

Now you’re looking at me inching away. I can see you. I can see your eyes wide big blank unblinking mask of politeness put on tight watching me wondering when it would be socially acceptable to leave leave me leave you leave us leave this mortal plane we are on that is nothing nothing nothing. You are nothing. I see you. I see your words too. I see your words too and I see mine, every where, ev er y w h er e in the sky in the air in your face written everywhere just words words yours mine theirs everyone’s words just floating that never go away so I can never stay because then I can’t breathe I can’t be it just gets so full with letters are you regretting you sat next to me? Regretting you asked? Remorse. Remiss. Renounce. Reimburse. Revenge. Rewrite. Your face is horrified. I don’t blame you. My face is horrified all the time too.

It’s like living in a thesaurus. A thesaurus mashed with dictionary mashed with an episode of Barney where the Cookie Monster spells things over and over and over and I never get to eat. Synonyms adjectives nouns verbs everywhere alive alive and I can’t escape. Not since I fell into the lab’s new invention. Not since I died and came back again this monster of literature that used to love reading but now can’t thinkbreatheeatlivesleep just words words everywhere everywhere EVERYWHERE. Everywhere when they say action speak louder than words and I just sit there shaking wondering hating loathing stop don’t open your mouth shut up shut up shut up shut up and listen.

Nothing’s sacred anymore. When you see I Love Yous where your loved ones once were after they left you because you couldn’t listen as they yelled at you in big block letters and cried in ugly bold ones love is just another word humans say like a bandaid to hide the other words they don’t. Lies big and fat dripping unlike the truth that flashes red in the black print of my universe. My universe my world my dimension that is just like yours but with the pages of your speech all over my eyeballs burned into my retina scrambling to find a place in my brain.

They say I am insane. I’ve gone over the bend, eaten bananas, fried the control centre, rented my soul, broken the handle, hit the ball too hard, knocked on the noggin.

I am so much more.

I am you.

------
TEXT: JOHARA ALMOGBEL
ART: AZIZ 

A PALE-BLUE HOLOGRAPHIC MAN THAT LOVES ME SO MUCH

You wake up on a perfectly clear glass bed. It’s perhaps a familiar place; albeit full of mirrors, hundreds — a confused mental nod speaks about the dissociation, but withdraws your face and your scent before hugging you. Now torn by your image, you consider how alert you should be as you scan the room: constant reflection shoots your sight to the ceiling, or, well, back inside your glass brain and neck. Sight takes a frantic hold of you — nothing but rapid saccade. Your skin spoke of merging with glass, and that, well, hits you hard; a bizarre figure-thought that splits into two, fixes itself behind your eyes, and jump starts a suction spiral into your inner ears, the grand jury of all proprioceptive errors, a withdrawal from horror into free-fall. Your glass neck annoyingly tugs on your awareness: it feels like a thousand little air bubbles are trapped beneath the surface, some terrible nausea.

You look again at your reflection and yes, there’s that grin of yours suppressing all of your confusion like a sponge. It’s so bright and colorful. You listen to the mixing and pouring of orange, yellow, red, green… blue. This ocular hubbub pulls you into following the dusty trail of the spectral crowd. It takes a while, but you find their gathering place in a particularly large mirror that reflects the odd theater you are, for lack of a better word, trapped in — moments only to be blinded by the bright flare of colors swirling around the geometric, mathematical bore. It looks like the source of light is behind you. A metallic taste, feels like thyme against your teeth… you turn your head around multiple ways, chasing a pale blue trail. You found him! Behind your back, under you — it’s a holographic, bipedal hue stuffing you with color! You notice that he’s shaking with suppressed laughter. It feels like he adores you.

“All that’s behind us is energy” he said, “and all that is in front of us is time” he whizzed, “but this moment expands itself into forever haha, until I know how I can give you a massage”, and it tried its best to give you a back rub. What he said felt like a fundamental and concrete belief towards figuring out how it could release your day from your glass muscles.

You focus on what he’s doing: his hand drowns and wriggles in your back, but resurfaces easily breathing the bright air. Each dive broke into a laser show of feelings; wave after wave of proper conversation, as if maple syrup was the cure for headaches. It was amazing, after the fact and chimes you no longer felt nauseous, honestly; the twitches you felt anticipating each and every touch, dish-washing all the focal errors that map and scan your memories, as if as a child your brass parents with their brass feelings were opening the door to your room once in a lifetime, recurring. Huh. The conjured up image of your parents is quickly ravaged by a mongoloid abyss.

You’re starting to recognize the situation. All the tiny bubbles in your neck took the appearance of tiny humans, gathering around the bonfire dimly burning in the back of your head, carrying little drums, strings, strangely shaped tubes and sticky drinks, preparing for the promise of a moon tan by the holographic man: Mohammad Abdu’s virtual jailer.

The holographic man was there for all the ends you seek, always unwilling what you will— a process of stasis transformed into constant motion that leads you to nowhere, some unraveling that extrapolates your ego into a fantastic dream.

Under the sway of release, all that music made a particularly external, mechanized sound more obvious. Twisting open your ears like a plastic coke bottle, the fuzz sieved through your surroundings and took with it the moon kin and their bulk. That strange sound was coming from ways above you — a giant printing press was absorbing the ground with its tedious hum, spewing mirrors onto the floor that strangely enough never crash but simply fall through. Something etched on the machine in large font caught your attention:

“My world begins at the limit of your eyesight.” You started thinking could that be the bizarre internal dogma of the medium reflecting the infinity above? The mongoloid wouldn’t allow it, but maybe you could imagine it was a huge glass pyramid perching on a green meadow, where only hard-working cows and sheep kept track of your prison time with their daily meals. Besides, anyway, you just woke up.

Nothing makes sense to you.

How would such a prison function if it weren’t for the very nature of who you are?

Just half a kilometer away there was a slouching figure facing westward.

The 6-feet tall lizard — standing on his feet over a calm azure pond — let out an audible, slow sigh. The Sun’s light was conscious of your prison, so it carefully glazed over and bled into the water, the pond waiting with transparent surgical gauze of green and other green, beginning a medicated meeting between the two. The lizard had removed its clothes some long while ago and, he was just staring and brooding. He buried his face in his hands. The bones of his thighs sank in the ground, but the muscles lazily stuck around.

“Better to be a skeptic than a hypocrite,” he said.

The sky was almost orange; a hazy dusk tinge overlapping with itself then fully spreading like a sail, welcoming the breeze to set sail the waking world towards a yellow saucerful of dreams.

But for the restless, hopeless, those who couldn’t follow:

The lizard thought he’d wash himself from head to toes if God would devour him.

He missed you so much, and he had decided that he would break you out tonight, even though it would break his knightly oath towards Mohammad Abdu. No longer could he wait for you to finish your prison sentence.

All you did was object over the fact that Abdu can’t possibly melt your brass parents into jewelry for him to wear.

And so furious a song was his sentence; verses over notes that propel into impregnating your mind with the abyss. You — rendered withdrawn and docile — turned his attention towards building your prison while the lizards danced under the trance of his music.

That was years ago.

The lizard opened his eyes. The moon was slightly buoyant inside a shelf in the sky. Traces of dark grey clouds, starless black salivating over the earth. The wind died days ago: Abdu was carrying the corpse in full stride over to your lizard friend.

God of the Labyrinth, the Star Seed born in the burial mounds of past universes.

All-Father Abdu: consumer of alien flesh, admirer of mirrors; a black gelatinous hum that sings to entropy, a harbinger of energy and possible worlds; curator of realities.

There’s so much one could forget about this world; lifetimes, a collectiveness of memories, shared works and conversations, pain, misery, and utter joy. Forgetfulness preserves dignity.

Your prison disappears alongside you.

------
ART & TEXT: AZIZ

 

LULWA

 

 

My mother decided to name me Lulwa the Arabic word for pearl. According to her I was a fair baby, as fair as a pearl, but as I grew up I reclaimed the sandy tanned complexion most girls from Kuwait are known for. The name Lulwa isn’t different or unique; in fact it’s one of the most common and traditional names for girls where I come from. Pearls, pearl diving and the sea, are deeply embedded in the Kuwaiti identity, pearls carried a significance no other gem, precious stone or jewel had within the Kuwaiti culture, pearls represented beauty and wealth but also a rarity and a scarcity that conveyed the trying and highly dangerous journeys pearl divers took in search of the white, round, smooth lustrous wonders safely shut between layers of the soft tissue of oysters.

In his rare attempts to spend time with us, my father would buy large sacks of oysters from the fish market its stench would fill the car and my mother would not let us bring it inside the house, so we sat outside in the smoldering heat which was almost all year round, with nothing but plastic bags underneath us on the tiled driveway in front of the house, there were never enough oyster knives for all of us, so we either had to take turns or use dulled blunt butter knives to shuck the oysters open with, we went through numerous whole sacs without finding any pearls, the only one my father ever found was so tiny, not substantial enough to turn into a pearl ring or a pendant. The horrendous stench of that clammy gooey stuff almost blinding, our disappointment almost bringing us to tears, with our hands covered with oyster slime all the way up to our elbows, the stink lingered on our skin for days no matter how many times we washed or bathed, constantly reminding us of our failed efforts to find treasure.

Nevertheless, my fascination with the miracle of pearls never withered, whenever I lay in my bed unable to sleep I imagined and marveled at the mystery; how a foreign substance sometimes as tiny as a grain of sand enters the shell of an oyster and irritates the mantle which produces nacre, the oyster's natural reaction to the intruder is to cover it up in order to protect itself, it wraps the irritant with layers of nacre, eventually forming a pearl. It was all by chance, all a coincidence, a mistake, a pearl should not happen, it’s not a common expression of nature that a pearl forms, it happens when a mistake occurs, an intruder violates the sacred realm of a living thing and the living thing reacts by instinct aggressively attacking that intruder with the only weapon it has; the nacre which then transforms a pathetic worthless grain of sand into the most precious, most sought after jewel. This bewildered and fascinated me, it also saddened me, natural wild pearls did not retain their majesty, once the Japanese discovered cultured pearls and began to farm them, natural pearls were no longer sought after, they would always be more expensive than cultured pearls - of course - but the very circumstance that made pearls rare, scarce, and a mystery only nature could perform, a one in a thousand chance, no longer existed.

And so I was to be Lulwa, a not so rare pearl, as I grew up I saw this to be true, throughout my school years there were always at least two or three other Lulwa’s in my class, none of us felt particularly special, it was just a name. 

------
TEXT: FATIMA ALMATAR
ART: SARAH FARHOUD

THE BOY BEHIND THE WALL

i’m trapping myself in a glass box that i’ve built. 
suffocating by my melancholy, i see my regret washing up at my feet like beach waves. i feel my remorse as it builds up to flickering flames. 

my sighs create universal understanding. it’s the wind that shakes the flowers which crawl inside of my box. 

these are the elements which ruin me.
this glass is fragile. this glass is fragile. yet you threaten to shatter it with a push of a finger. 
there’s a sinking gap which separates us but i look at you and you make my heart flutter. 
i hear you laugh and it’s a soundtrack to me. 
to the Boy behind his wall. 
trapped in his flood of water. 
terrified by his flickering fire. 

you’re coming closer; threatening to break my walls and they shiver and quiver like my beating lub dub heart. 

don’t touch this barrier. 
don’t threaten me with kindness. 
don’t promise me honeymoon years.

stay behind this wall where i can see you clearly.
stay behind this wall and let your effect only be your fingerprints staining the glass.

i promise, you wont mark me anymore. 
in all the delirium you project, stay behind this wall. 

leave me in trance of my memories. let them consume me as you watch, helpless to stop me.

stay behind this wall. don’t you step a foot closer. 

------
TEXT: ALANOUD Z